Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Angry Arab Plan for the Rescue of Iraq
I get asked for my plan for Iraq. Here are thoughts. They will be binding, mind you, on the international community by virtue of the powers bestowed upon Angry Arab by humanity.
1) Organize elections in two months. You have the electoral lists from the former UN rations program, but they excluded the North. The North kept good records for people living there. For the exiled Iraqis, they can cast their ballots at Iraqi embassies worldwide.
2) The new elected body will scrap, shred, and toss in the garbage Bremer's constitution, and draft a new constitution.
3) The new constitution will be put before a national referendum. And it should have built-in mechanisms for the protection of minorities, the guarantee of women's rights, and the creation of democratic republican Iraq. (Now I am an atheist secularist, but will not impose my views on Iraqis--how nice of me, and how charitable, praise be to me.)
4) Put Saddam and his henchmen on war crime trials, under ICC auspices (US cannot be involved by definition as you are not a member). Donald Rumsfeld will have to testify about his touching friendship with Saddam in the 1980s. After the trial, a truth commission (set up by my friend Bronwyn whom I trust deeply, and who is an expert on such matters) will be established, and those with blood on their hands will be put on trial. A general amnesty will be issued for the innocent Iraqis who may have joined the Ba`th party, but did not violate human rights and did not harm other Iraqis.
5) Send Ahmad Chalabi to Jordan, and make him stand trial for embezzling $300 million of people's money. He may, however, receive phone calls from his neo-conservative friends in his prison cell after his conviction.
6) Force the US to admit that no people ever welcome occupiers with "flowers and tiramissu."
7) Allow Iraqis harmed by the US war and occupation to sue the US in Iraqi and US courts for compensation, and for the punishment of human rights violators.
8) Force George W. Bush to spell "Iraq" on national TV (and he will not be allowed to call Dick Cheney, or have him sit next to him).
9) The day on which Paul Bremer leaves Iraq will be made a national holiday, celebrated annually by Iraqis with "sweets and flowers."
10) The US will be made to leave Iraq completely and permanently in a few months, and allow a UN force (comprised of countries that did not participate in Bush's war--that excludes Macedonia, Damn) to take over security while a new Iraqi force is trained by armies of democratic countries that did not participate in the war, and which do not allow prisoners to be dragged like dogs.
11) Angry Arab will be asked to design the new Iraqi flag, representing the culture, history, and people of Iraq (I always wanted to design a country's flag. Thank YOU Angry Arab).
12) George W. Bush will be made to admit that in fact he lied every time he said that he was "making progress in Iraq."
13) Make the Swedish Embassy (not the US Embassy) the biggest embassy in Baghdad.